The dictionary defines romance as “a quality of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life.” This is the quality that Valentine’s Day is meant to celebrate, as couples hope to focus and ignite the fire of their attraction and there are many resources for those committed to intimacy. So what “tools” will you be using this year?

Do you know your partner’s preferred “love language?” Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, has helped millions bring themselves into harmony with their partners. Knowing that your own preferred love language may not be the same as your partner’s, you can honor and delight them by using theirs.

Do they yearn for “words of affirmation?” Be sure to pick a meaningful Valentine’s Day card or, better yet, write your own. Is an “act of service” the best gift you can give them? How about a coupon book with offers of what you might do for them around the house or on their pet project. If their language is “physical touch”, that coupon book might include some deliciously different offerings! And if their preferred love language is indeed “gifts”, you would be wise indeed to remember that this month!

Has a counselor, coach, therapist or other mentor helped you develop your communication abilities? Do you know the importance of using “I” language, taking responsibility for how YOU think and feel in emotional situations? Do you know that a relationship is enhanced when you issue more compliments than complaints? (Recommended ratio is five positive comments to one negative, even including that slippery slope of “constructive criticism”.) Do you know how it feels to be really HEARD, and to truly LISTEN to your partner?

Perhaps you’ve studied Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication and have a sense of how to communicate OFNR by clearly sharing what you Observe, how you Feel, what you Need and what you want to Request from your partner. Do you practice what you’ve learned?

Maybe you’ve explored Tantra or sexual practices. Tantra is an ancient spiritual teaching that encourages the mindful embrace of all life. Maybe you’ve experimented with the joy of sacred loving and shared ecstatic intimacy with your partner. Or maybe you and your partner have read about or reviewed different ideas of sexual turn-ons and pleasure.

The most important question is: are you remembering to USE whatever tools are in your toolkit? How do you hold each other accountable for their use? Do you strive to be conscientious and conscious about applying what you’ve learned?

Dust off your own tools; don’t let them get rusty. Take inventory of what’s in YOUR toolkit, and use them wisely and often. Valentine’s Day comes only once a year. Romance is a life-long endeavor.

Diana and Richard Daffner authored Tantric Sex for Busy Couples: How to Deepen Your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day. The Daffners have led workshops for over 20 years to help couples discover meaningful joy. They now offer their entire workshop on video. For more info, see IntimacyRetreats.com, email [email protected] or call/text 941-349-6804.