Q: Dear Karen Kaye,

I am worried about my relationship during the pandemic. How do couples go from starting out as soulmates and end up as cellmates?

Thanks,

Arianna

A: Dear Arianna,

Both cellmates and soulmates give the same underlying message to each other: “Why can’t you love me like you used to in the beginning?” While they want to recreate that “loving moment in time” that once was, they literally push each other away through neediness, demands and expectations unmet.

In the early sessions of couple’s counseling, it isn’t easy to decipher who will choose to be cellmates and who will choose to be soulmates. Most couples begin similarly—alienated and argumentative. Where the two types of couples differ is that soulmates eventually recognize the futility of the patterns to which they have been committed while cellmates still receive a “payoff” in the constant battle and are usually more interested in being “right” or winning the fight rather than resolving issues.

In the actual sessions, it’s like following a tennis match or point-counterpoint. The two parties rarely listen to one another. Instead, they hear only the sound of their own voice or concentrate on what they are about to say in retort. The two “one-up” each other with no end in sight. I call this the “blame game” and, believe me, no one wins! All they are doing is allowing unconscious patterns from childhood to resurface and acting out whatever is on the “tape” (inside their minds).

This is where cellmates and soulmates take a different road. Cellmates continue this useless, unconscious cycle over and over, somehow still getting that “payoff” or they wouldn’t continue to participate. Soulmates, on the other hand, eventually become conscious of the pattern and are willing to stop the cycle, which takes honesty and ownership of their part. They are willing to accept all of the ups and downs of their relationship without having to run. Finally, soulmates know that the very nature of their relationship is to learn about themselves and each other when they have a “breakdown” and use the results as a learning lesson.

Sincerely,

Karen L. Kaye, LMHC

 Licensed Mental Health Counselor Karen L. Kaye is currently accepting new clients; sessions take place via telehealth to ensure safety. If you are interested in scheduling a session, call 954-384-1217 or email [email protected].