Q: Dear Karen Kaye,

I have heard the terms “conscious and unconscious parenting”; can you tell me what they mean?

Denise

A: Dear Denise,

Let’s start with unconscious parenting. Unconscious parenting is without thought, without plan—living on auto pilot. Other than the obvious problems with this type of parenting, the real problem is that parents will be limited to the way they were “parented”, passing the same thought processes and behaviors onto their children, including addictions, perfectionism, the need for approval, to name just a few.

Conscious parenting, on the other hand, is having the wisdom to stop and think of what methods a parent wants to preserve from childhood while identifying other methods that need change (i.e. anger, fear tactics, criticism) and staying consistent with those changes until the desired result (or close to it) is achieved.

In my 37 years of working with parents and children, I am always amazed that the parent feels the need to be the child’s best friend and seeks the child’s approval (unknowingly, of course) while the child craves a parent of authority who is fair-minded, sets limits and provides structure.

A conscious parent steps back often to observe and listen. This type of parent asks for professional help sooner rather than later, and knows the answers aren’t readily available at the moment. There is no act of impulsivity; instead, living in the question is a good option until an alternative arises. This parent also realizes that each child is different and has their own personal magnificence.

Don’t be concerned if you haven’t been the most conscious of parents. If you get “counseled” in the steps of change for yourself, it will give your child (of any age) the permission to change along with you. Children are incredibly forgiving when they see their parents make a concerted effort.

Sincerely,

Karen L. Kaye, LMHC

Divorce, marriage and parenting are all specialties of the practice of Karen L. Kaye, LMHC. She has written and published a book for children of divorce, My Parents Are Getting a Divorce…I Wonder What Will Happen to Me. For more information, please visit ImStillMeBook.com or KarenKayeTherapist.com.