Q: Dear Karen Kaye,

I am going through a divorce, and it feels like my heart is breaking. Please help.

Sincerely,

Tracy

A:  Dear Tracy,

A broken heart needs nurturance and time. For now, it is time to “lick your wounds.” Know that the rollercoaster of emotions you are feeling is appropriate, if dealt with responsibly.

What now causes you pain, once learned, will become your strength in choosing and dealing with a new partner. If you allow yourself to go through all the different emotions (like sadness, anger and disappointment), you won’t be carrying this later in life. Some people choose short-term pain/long-term gain, while others choose short-term gain/long-term pain. Those who choose the latter are avoiding their feelings by going too quickly into another relationship.

Based on the two options, you are on the right path. This is an appropriate and normal response to an “ending.” Please do not allow yourself to use your divorce as an excuse years from now for bitter and unfinished business.

As you start to recover, take time to evaluate yourself and your relationship from an honest, observant perspective. This will allow you to gain the awareness of what you want to take from this experience as a learning lesson and what you need to learn about yourself. You need to ask yourself, “Why is my heart broken?” Too many people waste time at the end of a relationship trying to figure out the other person—and not themselves. It is you that you are taking with you! The relationship you need to focus on now is the one with yourself.

Pain is a motivator, so seize the moment to lay the foundation towards reinventing yourself. This is a great time for self-evaluation (about your strengths and weaknesses); it is also a good time to seek out a non-biased opinion from a qualified therapist to guide you on your journey which will benefit you and your relationships for the rest of your life.

Tracy, if you get past the fantasy that relationships are supposed to make you feel better about yourself, you will realize that a relationship has served you well, once you have faced your good, bad and ugly. When you have learned your lessons, you will be able to move forward to a healthier, healing relationship in the future. My advice is to give yourself some time (at least three to six months) and you will feel quite different.

All the best,

Karen L. Kaye, LMHC

Divorce, marriage and parenting are all specialties of the practice of Karen L. Kaye, LMHC. She has written and published a book for children of divorce, My Parents are Getting a Divorce … I Wonder What Will Happen to Me. For more information, visit imStillMeBook.com or KarenKayeTherapist.com.